Disappointment and other stories

I am on a plane flying up the east coast of Britain. Soon, we will make a left turn over Scotland into the Atlantic (more precisely, I hope, over the Atlantic) to New Jersey. By way of the frozen north,  will make my transfer home to Cleveland.

When I told people I was going to surprise my father for his 80th birthday, many of them translated my destination back to me as “home”; but I have not lived in the house that my father owns, and my homing instinct is held by my husband, and my children, and my cats.

And that is part of it, part of why, faced with last week’s east coast storms, and the disruption and dislocation of travel that they occasioned, I would not give up my journey to Wales, nor trade it for another, less significant moment in time. I told my father that it was because of my stubborn streak that I held on the phone and returned to the airport, more than once, that I would not give in, go home. The trip was a surprise; he need never know if I didn’t make it; he need not be disappointed.

Disappointed: there’s a word that sets the spirals of parents and children in aspic, in resin, preserved for future scientists to examine under the microscope of therapy and inappropriate curiosity.

We do not communicate as well as we might. It is not the fault of either, as such, but of distance and time zones and work and want; we are both found wanting. There has never been a break between us, but a gentle cracking, crackling in the reception of our messages, the thoughts of our hearts, so that somehow they are never clearly broadcast, or received.

And so the ridiculous gesture, made larger than life by the onslaught of storms, the slings and arrows of outrageous weather; the action that speaks more loudly than the words in a birthday card; the pathetic offering of myself on a damp doorstep, rendered almost heroic by the trials to make it happen, by my stubbornness.

It is only love that is so stubborn, in the end. Ambition, duty, fear will fade in the face of a more persistent power, whether it is the weather, or the intransigence of an airline agent; it is the kernel of restless love, lodged under a heart, that will out; that will not give up and go home; that will not be disappointed.

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Aging gracelessly

Young men walk like ducks any more
(she thinks), sprawling from side to side,
feet splayed wide, taking space that should,
by rights, be mine; she hears herself,
shrill in her own mind’s ear.

A softer woman would see (she thinks)
in the automatic motion of his jaw
a baby, dreaming of his mother’s breast;
it is her own reflection, slapped against glass,
that catches her heart into a sneer.

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Consequences

If you are looking for a reasoned response to the week’s news out of the Anglican Primates’ “gathering,” I would point you towards my colleagues at the Episcopal Cafe, our Presiding Bishop, Michael Curry, and my own Diocesan Bishop, Mark Hollingsworth, Jr.

Analysis is less my forte than, well, this. “Consequence” may be a two-edged word, I think; that is my reason for optimism: that gospel = good news. For everyone.

A sequence is
a string of things:
numbers, letters, events;
a chain reaction.

Con-sequences are
things that go along
for the ride.

So a hand touches a hot pot:
sequence of cool to hot, flesh to flame:
consequence = pain;

So 2 x 3 = 6;
3 x 6 = 18:
consequence = learning
the times tables;

So love is expanded to
the marriage of minds to which
we dare not admit impediment
(so Shakespeare);

and the consequence?

Love will out, you know;
It is
a simple matter of cause and effect
in the end.

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Driven to distraction

Riding shotgun in my mother’s car. It is early morning, rush hour. No one knows which way to go; our hold on the road is tenuous, seeking gaps between predatory traffic.

Medications everywhere; bottles, sachets, paper patient info leaflets sprawl across my mother’s lap, under the pedals; she reaches down. I flinch as another driver shows the whites of his eyes, dismissing our right of way. She ploughs right on, stuffing all the poisonous pieces back into their flimsy pharmacy paper lunch bag. I snap,

“That can wait! Pay attention to the here and now!”

Only after I have woken up, walked downstairs, fed the cats, boiled the kettle do I pause to consider that, for someone who’s been dead ten years, she is not doing so badly, after all.

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Year C Epiphany 1: Come, Holy Spirit

The Gospels take a lot of short cuts through the life of Jesus. Whether they begin at his baptism, as does Mark, when he is already fully grown and ready to set out into the wilderness of temptation, and the rewards of ministry; whether they begin with a birth narrative, stables and shepherds, wise men and the temple; or whether they begin before time itself, like the Prologue to John, they all skip through his childhood and adolescent years (except for that one incident in the temple with the getting lost and giving his parents sass), straight to this moment. It is as though all is washed out, blinded by the luminosity of this moment of baptism, this moment when the heavens open and the glory of God, the Holy Spirit bursts forth in a flood of light. Like that moment of sun-blindness, all that has gone before is obliterated.

No wonder that Jesus immediately turned around and went into the desert by himself, bewildered by the blinding light, the voice of God ringing in his ears, the fullness of the Holy Spirit overwhelming him, as though he were still shaking off the river water as he retreated further from its current to the stillness of the wilderness, and its wild beasts, and its temptations, and its silent appeal to God. The descent of the Holy Spirit can be fearful; its weight astonishing; its lightness unnerving.

We know, we have been told at every baptism we have attended since the beginning of our memory, that this Spirit descends upon every unsuspecting child, every bashful adult who submits to the waters, who walks through the wilderness to find the river of life.

The Acts of the Apostles tell a slightly different story. Peter and John visit a community of believers who have been baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus, but who have not yet received the Holy Spirit. There are some complications to this way of telling the story. We can overcome some objections by pointing out that while Acts says these people had “only” been baptized in the name of Jesus, we baptize one another in the name of the Holy Trinity, Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer; Father, Son, Spirit. Additionally, we argue, all of our clergy are in apostolic succession, that is, the apostles laid hands on those who laid hands on those who laid hands on us at our ordination. So there is no fear that our baptism is incomplete.

But these legal responses leave a lot to be desired. They leave out the independent actions of God, which is a lot to be desired. How did these people come to believe, if not by the Holy Spirit whispering to them? And what of our insistence that, in an emergency, any baptized Christian can offer baptism to another. A friend who was a paediatric nurse quietly confesses to having baptized many a newborn in the neonatal ICU. It is not to be conceived of that the Holy Spirit was not present in those incubators, the breath of God in the ventilating machines, taking care of the most vulnerable children of God.

So it becomes as simple as this: there is more than one way to receive baptism. There is no set age, nor quality of water. A river, a lake, a baptistery or a font, each is as good as another at washing away worn out life and watering a new life into existence. There is more than one way to encounter the Holy Spirit: as a dove from above; confusing or delightful; belatedly recognized or discovered to have been within us all along.

There is one constant, and that is that no one baptizes themselves. There is always a community involved, to help a person in and out of the water, to pray for them, to believe with them. No one is left in the water alone. One of the gifts of needing the laying on of the hands of the apostles for the Samarians is that this way they actually get to meet the men who accompanied Jesus on his earthly journey; and for the apostles, it is a chance to keep in touch with the growing church; not to be left behind. We need one another, the old and the new, the green and the jaded, the weary and the spry.

Next week we will gather for our Annual Meeting and it is important for this community to come together, to reflect on our call to ministry in this community, and to plan for today and for tomorrow. In fact, I am going to put you all to work a little at next week’s meeting; we have some decisions to make together, and some discernment to be done.

The one consistent feature of our faith stories is that they never happen in isolation; we are created for relationship with God and with one another.

There is one character that we do not hear of in this little snippet of the Acts, but who was baptized with the others before Peter and John arrive, and who disgraces himself in the following verses. His name is Simon, and he is jealous of the power that he sees to deliver the Holy Spirit to his people. He wants to buy that power for himself. Even though he has been baptized, and has been blessed, he has yet to understand that we do not control the sacraments; they are God’s alone to grant. We do not apportion the Spirit; she goes where she chooses, and no mistake. We do not parcel out salvation. Jesus Christ has taken care to encompass the world already with that work.

Which is just one more reason why there is more than one way to be baptized, and more than one understanding of an encounter with the Holy Spirit: we do not define these things; God does.

But Simon’s story interests me because he does recognize the Holy Spirit arriving in this Samaritan village. He sees the signs and symptoms of the Spirit in the people with whom he has lived all of his life. Which makes me wonder: what has changed among them?

Paul lists the gifts of the Spirit as wisdom, knowledge, healing, faith, miraculous powers, prophecy, discernment of spirits, speaking in tongues, and their interpretation (1 Corinthians 12:7-10). Elsewhere, the Spirit is named as the one who intercedes for us, when we do not have the words to pray for ourselves; intercedes with sighs too deep for words (Romans 8:26). The fruits of the Spirit, we are told, are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). Jesus tells his disciples that the Spirit will give them the words to explain and defend their faith, against all opposition (Luke 12:12).

That covers quite a lot of ground. And yet Simon knew the signs and the symptoms, he saw the change in his neighbours. Do our neighbours say the same of us? And do our lives lead them to desire that independent action of God to which we bear witness? Do they want what they see that we have received, and recognized, and reflected inwardly and outwardly to our community?

There are many ways to receive and to recognize the Holy Spirit; but she is recognizable by the works that she wreaks in those who pay attention to her promptings, who pray for her guidance and her inspiration.

And so I invite us, then, to pray today for the coming of that Spirit like a dove, or in a flood, or however God’s Spirit deigns to descend. I invite us to face without fear the prospect of sun-blindness, bewilderment, or even quiet confusion, even the silence of the long dark night of the soul, which is another of the Spirit’s mysterious gifts. Ahead of our meeting next week; ahead of what ever we are called to face today, or tomorrow; in the face of God’s daily visitation, and in the faithfulness of God’s grace, I invite us to pray together today, Come, Holy Spirit. Veni Sancte Spiritus.

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A very brief Epiphany homily

There is a huge risk that God takes, to be born, made incarnate, made flesh, not only in secret, the flesh and blood of an insignificant country couple who barely know where he came from. It is a huge risk, too, that God took to reveal this child’s destiny, his DNA, his heritage as the descendant not only of David, but of God’s own self.

Shepherds were a safe bet for revelation; everyone assumed that they are drunk on sheep dip. But the wise men, the magi; accustomed to authority and access, they went straight to the king, and Herod was made furious by their fine procession of gifts, and none of them for him, but for a child born King of the Jews.

It is the revelation of the Messiah to the Gentiles of the East, the Epiphany, that brings these men from east of Eden, far from God, into the heart and hearth of God’s bosom, the child and his nursing mother. But it is a revelation, too, to the nations of Egypt, and of all that meet in that delta of trade:  Greeks and Ethiopians and all manner of people are blessed by the epiphany of this odd little family of refugees, followed wherever they go by rumours of angels, and hidden gold, and of danger; rumours of God.

It is not only in the worship of the wise men that God is revealed in the little body of Jesus. It is in his flight, in his plight. It is in his fear, and in the courage and love of those devoted to his welfare. It is in the welcome they receive in the city of the Pharaohs, home from home for a season, until it is safe to return.

God speaks to each of them in dreams; guiding, warning, encouraging, calling. But what are the dreams of the people of the sanctuary city? How did they recognize this fragile family as the answer to them all?

In the holy mystery that is the Epiphany, we come before the Christ child as foreigners, as strangers; and yet he recognizes and receives us, generously accepts our gifts.

Jesus comes to us as a stranger, foreign, and yet utterly familiar, that frail frame of flesh and blood.

Will we recognize him, accept the gift of his blessed incarnation; his phenomenal humanity?

It seems to me, learning the lessons of Herod, of the Magi, of the dreams cast by God over the waters, that we dare not do less than worship him, follow his light, adore him.

Amen.

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Year C Christmas 2: he was twelve

Some of you know that shortly before Christmas we suffered a minor break-in here at the church. I came into the office the day before Christmas Eve to find that someone had entered the building by force, and had left a trail of open doors for me to follow. I will confess to a moment of deep apprehension walking through to the worship space before finding that, after all, the pageant costumes were still in their places, and the torches undisturbed. Even the penguin was still keeping watch over the manger, where T & T had left it on Sunday night.

I could forgive most other things. There were a few broken doors, a missing laptop. I called the non-emergency police number, and the EPD responded swiftly, professionally, and with a refreshingly innocent shock at the idea of someone breaking into a church.

“We’re a soft target,” I told the uniformed officer. “We forgive people.” He startled, smiled, agreed.

The detective was less amused. The fingerprints they managed to pull were, in his opinion, probably those of a juvenile, which meant that they would not be matched, because juveniles do not leave their traces in the database, receiving instead special treatment, second chances; “But there’s a special place in hell for the ones who break into a church,” the detective told me.

“We prefer to forgive,” I murmured once more, and he gave me some kind of look.

I mean, I have no problem with legal consequences for illegal actions, but consigning some kid to hell for a couple of doors and a laptop? Seems extreme, somehow.

He was twelve. Those words have been haunting me all week. Every time I think about Jesus lost in Jerusalem. Every time I turn on the news and see the grief, the unsurprised, grim disappointment over the decision not to try the death of Tamir Rice. Every time I turn around, it hits me in the imagination: “He was twelve.”

Jesus, in Jerusalem. Everyone in the family group assumes that he is with somebody else. He is twelve, old enough to choose his own travelling companions. The adults reserve their attention for the little ones in danger of falling under trampling feet, wandering off alone, falling victim to the shadows, stranger danger. Jesus is old enough, it is assumed, to exercise a little discretion, to take a certain amount of responsibility for his own safety.

I wonder what the scholars in the temple thought of this strange boy. What happened when they retired for the night, went to their homes and their wives and their dinner, with their own preteen sons and daughters: did they recognize the shape of a young adolescent, or when they saw him, did they think that he was old enough to take care of himself? Did they think that he was older than his years? No waif or stray, this strapping lad. There is no indication that anyone asked him his age, where he belonged, why he did not go home. For five days: a day’s journey out of Jerusalem for his parents, a day’s frantic journey back, three days of hectic searching.

Three days: can you begin to imagine? He was only twelve!

“Child!” they cried out when they found him.

After Monday’s decision not to charge the officer who shot Tamir Rice over a year ago, when he was twelve, the Washington Post published a piece about Tamir’s age and size, and why the prosecutor’s office keeps insisting on the latter.

Prosecutors said “Tamir was big for his age … and could have easily passed for someone much older,” ….
[R]esearch published last year by the American Psychological Association found “evidence that black boys are seen as older and less innocent and that they prompt a less essential conception of childhood than do their white same-age peers.” In other words, people tend to think of black boys as bigger and older than they actually are. …
… “participants began to think of black children as significantly less innocent than other children at every age group, beginning at the age of 10.”

He was twelve.

It is a lonely age. Some will judge you by your size, whether or not you have had your adolescent growth spurt yet; most do not know you well enough to judge you by your time on this earth, your life experience, whether or not you have completed sixth grade, begun to learn algebra. Add your blackness, then God help you; because for four long minutes, no one else will, as you lie bleeding on the ground.

When his parents found Jesus in the temple, “All who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers.” Was that because they had just found out that he was twelve, this overgrown child who had been sitting amongst them, sleeping God knows where, eating God knows what, for five days while his family was frantic over whether he would live or die? All of a sudden, the teachers in the temple, the wise ones, those with authority and understanding, were called to check their assumptions, reassess their judgements, recalibrate their entire conversation with this boy.

“Child!” his parents called him, because he was twelve.

Jesus, aged twelve, in the temple, told his parents, “Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” And if they found him here, in God’s house, in this temple, how would that be; and would they trust that he had been in safe hands, in tender care, held in the love of God?

The scary thing, for me, about the kinds of research that the Washington Post reported, the unconscious bias it uncovers, is wondering where I would come out on the researchers’ surveys; how my own gut reactions line up with my reasoned responses; whether I could live what I preach.

If Jesus had come here, to this house, would I know that he was only twelve? Would I give him the benefit of my doubt? What if he had an up-country accent, or middle eastern skin? What if he had never been taught to take off his hat to pray, or to eat? What if he were famished, and had no table manners? If he had been raised to look his elders in the eye, or to avert his gaze as a sign of respect? And which infraction would it take to consign him to a special kind of hell?

“Child!” God calls us, “Why have you treated us like this?”

Why did you misjudge us, prejudge us. Why did you leave us alone, unhelped and untended? Why did you leave us behind? How on earth could you consign us to hell? For just as you did it to the least of these, you did it to me.

“Child,” said his parents to Jesus. “Child,” says Jesus to each of us.

At Christmastide, we remember God coming to us as an infant, helpless; even more helpless than his all-too-human parents; even more helpless than us. Why, how could God become this way?

Perhaps it was to invite us to love God as God loves each of us; with deep tenderness, endless patience, enduring compassion. Perhaps it was to invite us to check our assumptions, to reassess our judgments – we are so quick to prejudge one another. Perhaps it was to recalibrate our conversations with a God who will not leave us lonely, nor misjudge us, nor ever fail to forgive us; who sees us for the rebellious and careless children that we are, and who loves us regardless, so that we may love one another; a God who will not abandon us to death or to hell.

It’s a difficult, dangerous age alright. Being twelve can get you lost; in some cities it can get you dead although your life is barely begun. We’ve all been there. And Jesus has been even to that place, too. He was twelve.

Amen.

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Today or tomorrow

Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to such & such a town and spend a year there, doing business & making money.’ Yet you do not even know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  – James 4:13-14, from this morning’s Daily Office

It is New Year’s Eve

At the age of twelve

A little misty for the passing 

Time never recovered

Missed opportunities; ghosts

Love seeding our dreams with regret

At the turn of the year

Hope flows, fortified by fantasy

Fear drowns its sorrows in

The spirits of denial

You do not even know what

Ever tomorrow will bring.

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Child sacrifice

Twelve: the end of childhood for
a young black male. Thirteen
months to discover there is no
injustice that we cannot render
reasonable by the fiat of our fear.

Rewind. Twelve: the age of
incarnation lost in the
city, left alone before the
empty altar.

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Year C Christmas 1: Incarnate Word

On Thursday morning, in company with many around the world, I was in my kitchen baking Christmas treats and listening to the Festival of Lessons and Carols from King’s College, Cambridge. This morning’s gospel lesson was already on my mind as I heard the Provost of the College get up to read the ninth lesson and announce,

St John unfolds the great mystery of the Incarnation,

and I said to my pastry dough, yeah, right, because if this is St John unfolding the great mystery, I would love to see him doing origami.

The problem is that the Incarnation – the birth of God in the person of Jesus – is a great mystery. We can approach it through the language of story and legend, miraculous conception and angelic intervention, stables and shepherds and the whole cast of characters that orient us to the fact that we are hearing a story of things beyond our understanding. We can use the language of poetry – light, life, the Word which is with the God and which is God – to approach the great mystery, but hardly to explain it. Poetry and story do not show their work; they rely on our imagination to engage with the words, with the Word, to approach their truth with some semblance of love and understanding. Poetry and story reach out, invite us to respond. The Word speaks, the light shines in the darkness, and we are invited to hear, and to see.

The twentieth-century Welsh priest and poet, R.S. Thomas, said in an interview once,

“Poetry is religion, religion is poetry. The message of the New Testament is poetry. Christ was a poet … when I preach poetry I am preaching Christianity, and when one discusses Christianity one is discussing poetry in its imaginative aspects. The core of both [is] imagination as far as I’m concerned.”

And so the Gospel of John invites us to look into the manger in the stable and imagine that the soul of the child lying in its birth scent, newly breathing, only just seen; that this child is as ancient as God; that this child was born today and before the birth of time itself. That this child has lived not only with God, but within God, for as long as God has been alive; for as long as God has been God.

And for as long as this infant has been God, he is born only just now as the life of the world; the world at whose creation he was the witness and Word and welcome; because although he is beyond time, we are not, and he will not keep himself separate from us, in any aspect; in life, in death, in light and in darkness, he will be with us, as he was from the beginning, the unseen born as the most beloved sight, the newborn child of God and of Mary.

John Keble, in nineteenth-century Oxford, remarked that,

“There is everywhere a tendency to make the things we see represent the things we do not see, to invent or remark mutual associations between them, to call the one sort by the names of the other,”

so that we find in Jesus the face of God, and glory, as of the only son of a father, full of grace and truth; and in his mortal life we find the eternal life of the Creator and Sustainer of the life that we know, caught between heaven and earth, tangled in our knowledge of finitude and the possibility of transcendence.

Keble continues,

“so may it not be affirmed that [Christ] condescends in like manner to have a Poetry of His own, a set of holy and divine associations and meanings, wherewith it is His will to invest all material things?”

for as much as Jesus brings the birth of God into our messy and stable-muck-filled world, so through being a part of the mess, he invests it with the order of God, and redeems its loss and lack of love to the life that God intended for it. He invests each person with the holy and divine association of the image of God.

Jesus is specific to history; Jesus is beyond time, so that he can imbue all of history with that association.

So that we can see his redeeming work in the Exodus, in the provision of Abraham’s sacrificial ram. So that we can see his crucifixion in the camps, in the genocide, in the south side streets. So that we can see his face in the Syrian refugee, running from war and terror, the child caught up by his parents in the night and removed to a foreign land. So that we can see his blood in the five-month-old baby caught in the crossfire in a car seat in Cleveland. So that we can read his rebellion in the face of the oppressed resisting the Romans, resisting the power of privilege. So that we can speak his healing into the prayers of the suffering, the sick, the dying. So that we can read his resurrection over the graves of the dead, and proclaim his life, which was beyond time, and which reached into our own time, which was created by him, with him, in him.

There is no escape for the Incarnate God from poetry and story. He has submitted Godself willingly to our limitations of language; the ambiguity of poetry, and the symbols and signs of the story. Even our science embraces elegance, the representation of what is unseen in the language of that which is seen. There is no way, no language, nothing within the scope of our imaginings into which God has not condescended to love us.

And we are invited to engage our imaginations to embrace that love, to respond to its call to find God in each child of history, to bear witness to the life of the light of God in the world, to make those associations between the Exodus and the immigration crisis; to find the face of God in crucified defiance, and in the innocent child.

We are invited to unfold the great mystery of the Incarnation in our own words, in the witness of our own lives, to make poetry out of the mess of living, to make heard our response, our echoing reply to the call of the Incarnate Word of God, who has given us grace to become the children of God.

Amen.

____________

*R.S. Thomas, interviewed by John Ormond of the BBC in 1972; quoted by William V. Davis, R.S. Thomas, Poetry and Theology (Baylor University Press, 2007), p. 43

*John Keble’s words are included in Love’s Redeeming Work: The Anglican Quest for Holiness, Geoffrey Rowell, Kenneth Stevenson, and Rowan Williams, eds. (Oxford University Press, 2001), p. 385

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